Happy Purim, everybody!

A virtuous husband, who can find him?
Because his price is greater than sapphires.
He Causeth his wife to safely trust in him,
He Doeth her good and not evil.
Every unclean thing doth he gather and make clean again. Into whites and colours he sorteth it; He causeth not the good linen tablecloth to become pink, nor doth he cause woolen sweaters to shrink.
He Forgetteth not to add the Fabric softener.
He bringeth food from the Grocery story; he chooseth the best produce and Granola bars.
He worketh willingly with his Hands.
He Ironeth and foldeth all things and putteth them away in their proper drawers; he matcheth socks also.
He cluttereth not the house with Junk.
Kitchens and bathrooms he scrubbeth and causeth them to shine.
He riseth while it is yet night and maketh Lunches for all the children.
He remembereth who Loveth a sandwich of cheese and who of peanut butter.
He is not afraid of the snow for his household; he raketh the leaves and Moweth the grass also.
His lamp goeth not out by Night.
He considereth a back to school Outfit and he buyeth it, and lo, the button that falleth Off doth he sew On again.
Promptly doth he sign field trip Permission slips.
He breatheth Quietly by night.
He Remembereth to take out the garbage and he changeth the litter box and he walketh the dog; diapers also he changeth and washeth without complaint.
To Scouts and Soccer and gymnastics and Saxophone lessons he Shleppeth all.
The Toilet seat he restoreth to its correct horizontal position; and yea, he replaceth the roll when it doth become empty.
All things that are lost Underneath the sofa and Underneath the beds doth he find and restore to their places.
He Vacuumeth and he dusteth and he leaveth not his dirty socks and towels upon the floor.
He doeth Windows.
He drinketh not the siX-pack of idleness.
Yesterday's newspapers doth he stack neatly and recycle.
He doth weed the garden and unloadeth he all the Zucchini before it rotteth.
His wife is known in the gates,
When she sitteth among the elders of the land.
He openeth his mouth with wisdom;
And kindness is ever on his tongue.
He looketh well to the ways of his household,
His children rise up and call him blessed;
His wife also, and she patteth him upon his head, saying
"Many sons have done valiantly,
But thou excellest them all."

This was the שטיק that I wrote for Congregation Beth Israel's Purim festivities back in 1990 something, and it appeared in Lilith magazine in 2000.